HE-673 THE CHALLENGE OF BEING A PARENT
HE-673, Printed November 1995. Current contact is Ellen Abell, Extension Family and
Child Development Specialist, Associate Professor, Human Development
and Family Studies, Auburn University. This publication was originally written
by H. Wallace Goddard, former Extension Family and Child Development
Specialist
| The Challenge of Being A Parent |
 Of all the jobs in the world, being
a parent may be the trickiest. Children are often hard to understand. They
seem impossible to control. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, it seems
that everything we do is wrong. No one can make parenting easy. But by learning
more about children and their needs and by talking to other parents, we
can learn many things to make us more effective as parents. In this series,
Principles Of Parenting, we hope we can help you find ways to be more effective.
We also hope you will talk with other parents who can give you good ideas.
 What are the most important things parents can
do for their children?
How can you tell when you are a successful parent? What are the qualities
you most want your children to develop? One child psychologist suggested
that there are two qualities that are most important for children --and
all people--to develop.
The first quality is to be strong. Children should learn to make decisions,
to be responsible, and to be trustworthy. They should learn how to deal
with difficult situations.
The second quality is to be caring. Children should learn to love and
be loved, to care about people, to show respect, to be close with their
families and others.
Developing both strength and caring is important, but it is not easy.
This publication will give you ideas about how to help your children develop
both qualities.
CASE I:
Johnny loved to explore and play with things. But his mother didn't
like to let him handle her things. She was always yelling at him, taking
things away from him, and slapping his hands.
How can we develop strong children?
What experiences do you think will help children become strong, capable
people? Do you think Johnny's mother was teaching him to be strong? Or do
you think Johnny was learning that the world is a dangerous place?
If Johnny is to become a strong, capable person, he needs to see his
world as a safe and predictable place. In order to learn that his world
is safe, he should not be hurt or frightened. He needs to explore and experiment
within safe limits. If he is to learn that his world is predictable, he
should. And that the important people in his life are consistent and treat
him with respect.
Imagine that you are a child--your child. Do you think that you would
see your home as a safe and predictable place? Close your eyes and imagine
a day at your house as a child. Are you given many opportunities to explore?
Are reasonable rules made? Are they enforced kindly and consistently?
If it seems that people are usually unkind and controlling in your home,
you will want to make some changes. Can you move unsafe toys out of the
children's way? Can you provide fun and safe things for the children to
play with? When your child is playing with something unsafe can you kindly
redirect him or her toward some other toy or activity?
In Principles Of Parenting there are several publications that may help
you develop strong children:
You may not yet be sure how to help your child become a strong person.
These publications can help you.
CASE II:
Mary really loved her daughter. But she was always stressed-out
or tired. She yelled at her daughter and spanked her a lot.
How can we develop caring children?
What experiences do you think will help children become caring, loving
people? Do you think Mary's child was learning to be a caring, loving person?
What message do you think the child was getting from her mother? Even though
Mary really loved her child, the child probably did not feel loved.
If a child is to become a caring, loving person, she needs to see her
world as a loving and sensitive place. When parents take time to understand
a child's needs and to be helpful, they are helping the child to feel loved.
Once again, imagine that you are your own child. From that point of view,
do you see your home as a caring and loving place? Do people take time to
understand your feelings? Do they express their love? Do they show that
they love each other? When they make mistakes do they try to find better
ways to help?
If it seems that people are often unloving or unkind at your home, you
will want to make some changes. Can you ad ways to help you deal with your
stress? Can you find ways to guide your child without getting angry? Can
you find ways to send the message of love to your child?
In Principles Of Parenting there are several publications that may help
you develop caring children:
You may not yet be sure how to help your child become a caring person.
These publications will give you some useful ideas.
When we review how we are doing as parents, we can ask ourselves the
two basic questions:
- Am I helping my child develop into a strong person by setting reasonable
rules and consistently enforcing them?
- Am I helping my child develop into a caring person by being loving
and sensitive?
Good parenting pays off.
You work at becoming a good parent so that your children will turn out
to be strong, caring adults. But what are the benefits for you? Does being
a good parent take tons of work and leave you worn-out? Why go to all the
trouble?
The fact is, good parenting is easier in the long run than bad parenting.
Good parenting is like good car repair. When car repair is done by someone
with good tools who understands the job, the car will run well. When a car
is repaired by someone who knows little or is careless, the car is likely
to be a big problem.
Bad parenting develops children who are more likely to be moody, angry,
disobedient, immature, and low in social ability. Good parenting develops
children who are more likely to be happy, capable, responsible, and enjoyable,
Which kind of children do you prefer to live with?
Reading about parenting, taking classes in parenting, and visiting with
other good parents will help you be more effective. It does take effort
to learn about children and to be a good parent. It takes time to reason
with children, to read them stories, and to follow up on rules. But it makes
life more pleasant and helps you develop children you will be proud of.
Each parent is different.
Each parent has different strengths and different weaknesses. If you
are a very caring parent already, you may find that you need to spend most
of your effort learning how to be strong and set limits. If you are a very
strong person, you may need to practice being understanding and sending
messages of love.
Each child is different.
Just as with parents, each child has different strengths and different
weaknesses. You may have one child who craves excitement. You may have one
who loves to be cuddled. The differences between children make parenting
exciting but also challenging. We must work at understanding each child
and his or her unique abilities and needs.
Parents need help, too.
A happy parent is a better parent. Therefore it is important to strengthen
you, the parent. For that reason this series also includes a publication
to help you deal with stress:
There are other publications that may help you deal with your challenges
as a parent:
Parenting is hard. But as you develop confidence in your parenting skills
and see your children develop into fine people, you will know that it was
worth all the effort!
For more information, contact your county Extension
office. Look in your telephone directory under your county's name to find
the number.
For more information, contact your county Extension office. Visit http://www.aces.edu/counties or look in your telephone directory under your county's name to find contact information.
Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work in agriculture and
home economics, Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, and other related
acts, in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture. The Alabama
Cooperative Extension System (Alabama A&M University and Auburn
University) offers educational programs, materials, and equal
opportunity employment to all people without regard to race, color,
national origin, religion, sex, age, veteran status, or disability.
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