Coping With War: Some Suggestions for Parents

Auburn, March 24, 2003 --- Many American children, especially those with parents stationed in or near Iraq, will be coping with a sense of insecurity and fear now that the war has begun.

This is natural, says one expert, though she stresses that many of these children will need help from parents and adults to work through these emotions.

“Parents need to assume that their children know enough about what is happening to be disturbed by it,” says Dr. Ellen Abell, an Alabama Cooperative Extension System family and child development specialist.

"The images of war--bombing, troop movements, and casualties--are being broadcast 24 hours a day on the television. Even if parents are limiting their children's exposure to television, they will hear discussions and rumors from their friends and others.

“Children need calm explanations from adults about what is happening, so that children will not imagine even more upsetting events and possibilities.”

It’s especially important for parents to tailor their explanations and their responses to children based on their ages, Abell says, adding that they also “need to be alert to children's moods and behavior.”

“Among children over age 3, it’s common to react with fear, wondering if something similar could happen here,” Abell says. “The best way for parents to address these fears is to provide realistic assurance.”

“Without going into details about the war, they should assure their children that the chances of the war involving them personally are unlikely,” she says.

“Parents and teachers alike also should remind their children that they are doing everything in their power to ensure their safety. Use simple, straightforward language, and don’t alarm children unnecessarily or burden them with details they may not understand."

Some children, due to age or other circumstances, are less likely to verbalize their concerns.

“Sleep disturbances, changes in eating habits, or unusual behavior may be nonverbal signals that children are struggling with current events,” Abell says.

“If parents notice behavioral changes, they may want to ask their children what they have heard or think about what is happening. Keep in mind, however, that not all children will be ready to talk about their concerns. This should be respected.”

“One effective approach in initiating a conversation,” she says, “would be for parents to discuss their own feelings about the war, while helping their children understand that scary events such as these should not prevent them from enjoying their lives fully.”

For children who have a close family member involved in the war, parents should filter out the potentially inaccurate news and only share the most reliable information about what is happening. Avoid responding to children's what-if questions by sticking to the facts of what is known
for sure.

Families and parents of someone closely involved in the war also can benefit from talking with others in a similar situation. Sharing information and experiences about how they are coping with their fears and reactions can help families feel less alone and vulnerable. Also,
engaging in the normal activities of life -- keeping normal eating and sleeping schedules, going to school and work, for example -- can provide a sense of security and reassurance in the midst of the uncertainty associated with war.

There are other creative ways to help children work through their feelings, Abell says. Children, for example, can write letters of support to soldiers or others who need encouragement.

Parents also can involve children in donating money or goods to organizations leading war relief efforts. For families with a loved one involved in the war effort, making plans for when the family member returns can be a helpful coping strategy.

“It’s important in situations such as these for children to understand that people are doing whatever is needed to protect them and their families,” Abell says. “They should also understand that when events like this occur, there are always good people ready to step forward and help.”

(Source: Dr. Ellen Abell, Extension Family and Child Development Specialist, 334-844-4480)

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