Extension Report

Baldwin County Extension Office

302A Byrne Street

Bay Minette, AL  36507

Cynthia Knowlton

Regional Extension Agent

4-H & Youth Development

December 9, 2008

Bringing Teens Home for the Holidays

The secret to having kids look forward to spending time with mom and dad lies in treating teens as if they are already adults. When you accept teens as they are and simultaneously bring them to the level of adults, you create a friendly meeting ground.

The Gift of Good Conversation

Holidays can be tricky business for parents and teens due to differing expectations. While we each want to feel loved and accepted for who we are, we have our own ideas about how that ought to occur.   Below are seven ways to help you enjoy your teenage children.

1. Be Interested. Demonstrate your interest by completely hearing what your teens have to say. Listen without speaking. Give occasional encouraging nods and sounds. Resist the impulse to dismiss feelings or give unsolicited advice. Be interested in their lives without taking over.

2. Be Involved. Check in periodically with your teen and talk about what's on his or her mind. Initiate, but don't force it; leave the door open to take advantage of those times when teens are ready to open up. Talking to them right then, whenever possible, will show them that you really do care. This will strengthen your bond.

3. Be Respectful. Teens, like most individuals, want parents to respect their views, even if their parents don't agree with them. Realize that you can acknowledge another's viewpoint without making it right or wrong. With acknowledgment it's much more likely that your son or daughter will want to hear your ideas.

4. Be Reasonable. Help your teen understand the reasoning behind your requests. Stay away from commands. Make sure your rules are age-appropriate. Offer choices and be willing to negotiate based on each child's maturity level and the specific situation at hand. One size does not fit all.

5. Be Understanding. If your kids want to spend part of their holiday time with their friends, let them. Your teen's friends are as important to him or her as your friends are to you. There's no need for feeling competitive; don't take it personal. It isn't!

6. Be Appreciative. Stay focused on what you like about your teens. Make meaningful appreciative statements. It doesn't have to be something BIG. Say something like, "Thanks for calling and checking in, it means a lot to me.” Make sure you mean it; kids can spot when you're being phony.

7. Be Supportive. Comment on what is being said without evaluating everything. If you begin to feel uncomfortable, say "Uh-huh," and keep listening. Don't get furious, get curious. Use a collaborative approach with your teen. Your support allows your son or daughter to stop and think things through more clearly.

If you took the time to read this article, chances are that you love your kids and realize the importance of modeling preferred behavior. How do you do that? Be good company. This year, consider giving the gift of good conversation.

Credit to the following: Barbara McRae, Master Certified Coach, Parent/Teen Expert, and Founder of TeenFrontier.com.

Email address: cknowlto@aces.edu

Phone number: 937-7176 or 943-5611, 928-0860, ext. 2222

The Alabama Cooperative Extension System (Alabama A&M and Auburn Universities) in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture is an equal opportunity educator and employer.

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